When Your Marriage Is Over: Practical Advice for Surviving Divorce and Living Divorced


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You are definitely in a tough financial situation. It sounds like you are already doing that. You have to ask that question of your local child support service. If your ex has a court date coming up, you might want to show up on that date and see what happens. But, at least you will know what is happening, and maybe you will get a chance to tell the judge how desperately you and the kids need money. That might make a difference in what happens. The other option you may want to explore is legal aid. If your ex continues to not pay his child support, he may end up getting his drivers license suspended again.

That might make him pay up. You may also be able to get any tax refund he has coming to him, redirected to you. You need to talk to a lawyer or child support person to see if this is a possible option for you. Hi Karen Thank you for your site. Lots of great info and insight here that has been very helpful to me. I have been unhappy in my marriage for at least 15 years. Hard to believe when I stop and calculate. I married a man 24 years my senior. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer 7 months before we married. A year or so later it came back. Radiation therapy left him mostly impotent.

Most of the solutions I sourced. All he found a reason why they were uncomfortable for him. About 10 years ago when I was unreceptive to his advances, which would likely mean an hour or more of work, he told me i would need to give him permission to see a prostitute. We went to marriage counseling. I finally went back to counseling, by myself with a different, better person, after he forgot my birthday this year. I have finally gotten the nerve to get my own place.

Divorce is expensive and emotional. I cannot seem to get the words out to tell him exactly how I feel. I have a great job and I want to take every opportunity I that comes up with it. He stays home all day, retired, isolated. My life is comfortable but I miss physical contact, kind words. So tired of his just-below-the surface irritation and anger. I feel for you! I can hear how much you long for intimacy, but, at the same time, are too afraid to take steps that might let you actually enter into a relationship where you would get it some day.

My guess is that if your husband loved you like crazy, and was kind to you, and talked to you, and was close to you, then you might feel differently about his impotency. But you can have a lot of satisfying physical contact, even sexual contact, that does not involve intercourse. Your situation is a tough one.

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Recovering Your Life After A Divorce

You wonder whether people live in relationships with no physical contact, no intimacy, and no kindness. The short answer is: Lots of people do it, especially if the rest of their life and lifestyle is reasonably comfortable. But, the better question is: Do YOU want to live in this kind of situation? Are you okay with a reasonably comfortable, unfulfilling life? Or do you want more? Neither answer is right or wrong. Will divorce change your life? Will it be hard and emotional? Will it hurt your finances? Will you meet someone new and have a satisfying relationship afterwards?

One thing you do know: Is this the life you want? Where will you be 10 years from now? At that point your husband will be 86 years old. Is he more likely to change then? You will be 62 at that point. There are no easy answers. Divorce may not be your only choice. Perhaps you can work on your relationship. You can always work on yourself. But if you do nothing, nothing will change. Hello Karen, Let me tell you about my 22 years married life with a man that was kind, great father and the best husband.

He was honest and never lied to me when we met, he told me that he was bipolar and he was taken medication. I am from South America and never saw or heard about people with this mental disorder,I can say I was ignorant. After about 2 years married and had my 1 year old son I realized that something was wrong with him, so I had to call the police to get him out of the house, he was out of control. Four years passed he was ok and suddenly after I have my daughter things changed again, so his episodes came back since then almost every 2 years.

We all my children and I had to witness all these years what his mental disorder cost us, financially and emotionally. So, for many years I was prepared in the event that someday our separation will take place. Now my boy is 21 year old, a college student, he moved out of my house and my girl 18 year old senior high school and soon college student. My husband is sick again, he lost his job and is making my life miserable, feeling like an abused wife.

Last week we had a family reunion, we were trying to make him go voluntarily to the hospital, but he refused. He took his car and run away, already passed almost a week, the police said they cannot force him. Time for me to be relief of this pain and guilt. I am 57 year old, now I am alone at home looking for this websites and accidentally I got yours. Thanks for give me the space to share mine.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! I know that had to be hard for you. Living with someone who is mentally ill is rough. Your kids are suffering. I have no idea of what your financial situation is, or what it might look like if you get divorced.

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What I can say is that, more than most people, you really need support. Before you start on the road of divorce, talk with a good divorce financial planner. You need to know what your financial situation is now, and how you might be able to construct a financial situation in the future that can support both you and your spouse.

That may be hard news to take. Go to someone who also does mediation or collaborative divorce. You do NOT need a shark attorney! Going to court in your situation is likely to cost you a fortune and make things way worse. Get yourself a therapist, someone who understands bipolar disorder and can give you help and insight no matter what you do. Finally, consider collaborative divorce.

It is the most supported way of going through divorce. It keeps you out of the court system, and helps you and your spouse divorce respectfully. Just turned 57, neither of us had much; just cars. I struggled SO hard to make it work. Unfortunatley, he was quite abusive.

Can you give me one hopeful suggestion? I have 2 suggestions for you: It can completely change your life. But it takes time. Yes, I know it seems impossible. Hang with me here! There is a simple saying that what you focus on expands. If you focus on how thankful you are that you are smart, educated, and away from your abusive spouse, you will start to feel much more positive about your life. As you appreciate how lucky you are to be WHO you are, and to have your talents and abilities, they will start to grow.

Eventually, so will your money. Yes, life is hard now. But a few small hacks may help you start to save more money than you thought you could. Every little bit that you save will help you feel and be! I know that right now your future looks scary. PS If you want to read a little more about the power of gratitude, you can check out: For money-saving tips, read: I am 54 and he is 56 and I am wondering if he is going through a mid life crisis.

I am not happy and I need to find happiness for me. He is just DONE. However he wants to process the divorce on our own and live together if I can handle it until the divorce is done as he said that the house we built together is my home too. This is our second time of going through this and he said that he should have left 7 years ago. He wants to make sure that my medical needs are taken care of while I am on his insurance, but wants to work out the decision for completing the divorce.

Everyone that we have in our circle of life are shocked, but there some who are actually happy about it. We have gone through so much together and I have moved multiple times with him due to job changes and done it with love and support. I have been the one who has stated behind to complete the sales of our homes and found him the apartments to stay in during the transition of jobs.

Getting Divorce But Still Living Together : California Divorce & Separation

We stayed in contact with each other during these moves via phone, text and even Skype. We are a blended family with him having his daughter and I with 5 of my own. My children have loved their Papa and supported us, however sometimes it was difficult for them, but they would be willing to work it through. His daughter never accepted the marriage and has been a challenge at times, but I did my best to love her with what she choose to allow. As I mentioned we have been through a lot together, 3 child getting married, multiple surgeries and the most recent was the unsuspected findings of 2 non rupture aneurysms in which I have had one cranial surgery preformed and my be facing another.

My husband is a very passive man and has a hard time sharing his feelings. After he told me that he wants a divorce he acts like nothing is wrong. I am struggling terribly with this and wonder what your thoughts would be. He just wants to move on. Because of that, marriage counseling would probably be a waste of time. But, you could probably get a lot of benefit from individual counseling. If there is any chance of saving your marriage, of course, going to marriage counseling would be a great idea.

Clearly, something is bothering your husband. A good therapist can help you both get to the bottom of what that is. But, at the same time, you have to be realistic, too. Once you cross that line, going back is next to impossible. Only you and your husband can know that. But, if you have crossed the line, the only thing you can do is pick up the pieces as best you can and move on yourself. I also recommend that you get legal advice. Given your age and medical condition, having good legal advice as you go through the divorce process will be super important.

But you do need to know what you are facing, and what your options are, both going through the divorce and afterwards. Karen, I am a man, now divorced after 31 years of marriage. We have two sons, one with autism who is now 28 and living in a group home. I am constantly crying after being alone for 8 months now.

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There were quite a few issues with the marriage, mostly communication. She filed and I tried to compromise but she wanted to move on. Now she has cut off all communication, as I was attempting to try and reconcile; she wanted no part of that, and already has a new boyfriend. I feel like I am just going through the motions of life, and for what? My children are just fine, I have 3 sisters that are fine, and no real friends now because they are all married and we had relationships as couples. First of all, let me say that the loneliness you feel must be horrible.

While I can hear how much you wish you could re-establish contact with your wife, it also seems that your wife is not interested in doing that. Since you asked for my suggestions, I will give them to you. All I ask in return is that you keep an open mind and maybe even try them. After all, what have you got to lose, right? A good therapist can help you turn that around. Plus the cost may be covered by your health insurance. That will change your life. It will get you up and out of the house. Lets be honest here. I figured, as a former police officer, you can take it!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start doing something about your situation! Your wife is gone. As horrible as that may be, she is clearly not coming back. So stop expecting her to do that. Instead, start branching out on your own. There are a million really worthy causes that could use volunteers. Find one and volunteer. Do something once a week. If you like it, you can do more. Find a few online dating websites and look through them. I have no idea how good it is, but why not check it out anyway? It takes you out of your comfort zone.

You can do it again, now. You may have to force yourself in the beginning. PS Sorry for being a little tough on you. But I think you need to remember how strong and capable you are. Just remember, nothing will change unless YOU change. I was married for 42 years and my husband passed away from cancer. I met a man 4 months later and 4 months after that we were married.

Now after 2 years he wants a divorce. He thinks life is passing him by and wants to live. He is already dating. First of all, I encourage you to get a good therapist. Trying to deal with this kind of loss alone will make it doubly difficult. Second, take the time to grieve. It sounds like you barely had time to grieve the death of your husband before this new man came into your life. Everything happened fast — too fast. You need time to catch up. Third, if you can find a support group in your area, that can help too. On the one hand, you could look at this situation as being horrible.

Or, you could look at your situation from a different perspective. You could have wasted years in this relationship, and then where would you have been?


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Statistically speaking, you probably have at least another 20 good years ahead of you! But, in time, you just might find that, as difficult as this all is for you right now, you will be glad to have this man out of your life later. Karen, So glad to find your article! I have been married for 35 years, but being trapped in this unhappy marriage for the past 15 years. I have tried for years to get my husband to be more involved and worked on our relationship unsuccessfully. He does not work since he was a stay home dad for our kids when they were younger.

He likes to bury himself on his computer or spend time at the gym. He is also in a depression mode most of the time, especially after his cancer treatment a couple years ago. I tried to encourage him to see a therapist, but he does believe he has a depression issue. I have thought of leaving him right before we discover he has cancer, so I stay to make sure someone can care for him while he going through treatment. I still stay with him today, mainly because I want to make sure he has health insurance coverage through my employer as he is still needed to be closely monitored and followed up with his doctor every three months.

I want to leave and move on, but a divorce would be so devastating at this age since I am in my mid fifty. Sadly, I am not sure how to move forward at this point. I can completely understand your hesitation to leave, but your unhappiness at staying. I wish I could give you a quick and easy way to improve your situation, or make your decision easier. First of all, as someone who is also in her mid fifties, let me assure you that you are not that old! You potentially have a lot of life left ahead of you.

So does your husband. Obviously, his cancer could change that, but it seems like he is past the worst of his crisis. So, the question is: How important is your own happiness? What are your options? But, the truth is that, your only choice is NOT: You can stay married with your relationship as it is. You could stay married but work on yourself, which will change your relationship. You could stay married but live separately. You could stay married but try a trial separation.

You could stay married, continue to live together, but live separate lives. You could stay married and have an open marriage. You could look into whether your spouse would still be eligible for health insurance coverage through your employer if you were legally separated. Of course, there is always an extra cost involved too, so you have to weigh that into the mix. You can get divorced. Now, you might not like all of these suggestions. Some of them may be wildly inappropriate for you. But, the point is, you have options — probably more of them than you think!

Finally, you will note that none of these options requires your husband to change, or to go to marriage counseling which he refuses to do. Does that mean that if you start living your own life, separately from your husband, that he will automatically change and become the loving, caring man you once knew?

I wish human behavior was that easy! The truth is, if you start to distance yourself from him, your husband could well do the same thing to you. Or, he could wake up and decide to change himself. Then, he might decide he wants to work on your marriage, and on himself. On the other hand, he might not. In the end, obviously, you have to hash this out for yourself. My husband is willing to give me the k.

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I want spousal support also. Can I get spousal support? He makes about , plus bonuses. You may have stayed in an unsatisfactory relationship for a long time because you were afraid of dealing with the changes that splitting up forces upon you. Just Get out there, create that life you dream of. Karen, I am in the beginning of this process.

Yesterday my husband told me he was trying to decide what to do, he says he loves me but also loves another woman. We have been married 20 years, he was my best friend and we hardly ever argued. We have a 14 year old son. I am also retired from the military, we were married for the last 3 years of my 20 year career. I handle all the finances, and came into the marriage with investment and IRA accounts and life insurance. He came with nothing but ability to work hard and keep a job. I have since started life insurance and IRA for him, plus for our son when he was born.

He became a citizen during our marriage, and the woman is in his home country. Our house and cars are paid off, my parents paid off the house as a gift to me. Having someone you can talk to about your feelings, someone who can help you grieve and help you move on, will be crucial if you want to get through this tough time in the best, most effective way possible.

So, at this point, instead of worrying about what HE is going to do, you might want to focus on what YOU want to do. That will help get you clear and focused. It sounds like you have a lot invested in your marriage and you have a 14 year old son to think about. But just remember that staying with your husband has ramifications too. I also encourage you to start preparing yourself for the future. Like it or not, that means learning about your options, including divorce. I know that right now you are stunned and confused.

You may not be able to think clearly. As soon as you can do that, you would be well advised to start thinking about what you want for the future for you and your son. Finally, know that, even though your life may not look like what you envisaged it would look like, you still have a chance to make it amazing.

Yes, it will be different. But it can still be wonderful. But, once you get through this, it will. Wow you people are depressing me. You were all foolish enough to sign a contract to which the counter party has zero fiduciary responsibility to you, and can bail out the minute they are bored; then the corrupt system rewards them with cash and prizes. I have a live in partner in a non-common law state.

I own my own house, a duplex that generates cash for me, titled only to me. I have a new car paid off, titled only to me. I have a large bank account, titled only to me. I might adopt a child soon since I have so much surplus wealth that I have been having nurturing feelings of giving back out of my abundance.

I am 32 years old When people try to shame me into marriage I laugh in their face. You were all born into a free ish country. How is that working out for you all? Hello Karen, Please help me. I have been divorced for 3 years.


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I was married for 38 years. He was cheating on me. I took it really hard. I have been on antidepressants. I have no college education and had always worked part time. We are now friends. I can understand that you are scared. But no matter what your finances look like, step one is getting yourself together again. That means getting into therapy, taking care of yourself physically, and starting to take stock of where you are and where you want to be. You might want to seek out a career counselor, or check out certification programs at your local community college.

You need to find something you can do to start bringing in full time money as soon as you can. I know it probably seems overwhelming. But if every single day you do 1 thing to move yourself forward no matter how small that thing is you will start to see progress sooner than you think. Seeking legal help will help you understand the legal implications of what is likely to be a complex divorce.

Most older couples have accumulated a reasonable asset base and the financial settlement is likely to take some negotiations You should also consider seeking financial advice, particularly in relation to your superannuation. This applies to both you and your ex-partner. Your email address will not be published.

The information you obtain at this site is not, nor is it intended to be, legal advice, nor does it create a confidential attorney-client relationship. You should always consult with an experienced attorney in your state for individual legal advice regarding your own situation. Privacy Policy — Terms of Use. Why is divorce after 50 different? You also have to deal with your kids. The more complicated your finances, the more expensive your divorce.

Consider alternatives to litigation. Take the time to understand your current AND projected post-divorce finances. Accept that after your divorce, your lifestyle may have to change. If you are unemployed, underemployed, or retired, consider getting a job asap. I wish I had better news for you. Collaborative divorce would be a great choice. I wish you the best. Appreciate your time and advice. Hope you had a terrific thanksgiving.

I hope you enjoyed yours, too! Look at the opportunity you gained. Get out of the house. Start meeting new people. Start creating a new life. You can do it. Here are a few ideas to get you unstuck. Karen, Thank you for the encouraging and compassionate advice you share. You can do this. Hi Karen, It is generous of you to take the time to try to help people who are is a bad situation. Can people just live like this without divorcing? Do people just live this way until someone dies? I realize this may be more than just a divorce question but curious about any insight you have. No matter what you do, you have no guarantees of happiness.

Thank you again for sharing your experiences. Be grateful for everything you have now. Live Within Your Means. Karen PS If you want to read a little more about the power of gratitude, you can check out: So how do you find your purpose? Karen PS Sorry for being a little tough on you. So, what to do? Finally, I wonder if looking at your situation from a different perspective might help. There are MANY decisions you could make right now. I hope this helps. Those are all great questions to ask your lawyer.

You can do this! Trackbacks […] First, it is recommended that you seek legal help while dealing with a grey divorce. Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published. This site uses cookies: Don't tell me it is too hard. What could be harder than what you just described? Interesting I fell upon this today. My divorce from my narcissist husband was official on the 11th - after six years of dealing with everything you have.

I do not have a history of dating narcissists. He was my first, and with everything I learned will certainly be my last. Let me tell you this. I threw him out in November, It has been six months. We are SO close now. We are survivors, and we have that mentality, who cares about who wants us. It's about what we want. It's about ourselves, our children, our friends, our happiness. All of the new hobbies I have picked up because I couldn't have them in the marriage?

My relationship with my daughter? You damn well know it is only going to get worse. They cannot get better. They are cognitively incapable of doing so. There are no more "promises to change" because I have blocked him from everything. I filed my divorce online and made it as simple as possible. It was filed in a court where we did not have to see a judge. I paid for it, I did all the work.

Age 32 is the beginning of life! This decade is miraculous! Trust me, they will want you! Many have wanted me in just this short six months. But right now, I can't be with someone else. I am enjoying my new life too much and don't want to put any time into someone else. I catch myself on occasion with a cheeky smile accompanied by a shuddering sense of relief and excitement about my new life narc free.

I'm loving your name I'm currently the victim of narcissistic rage like your sister. I have been sectioned and medically treated for misdiagnosed and labelled wrongly as delusional. I have never been so obviously abused and not believed and frightened. These men know 'no bounds' his ruthless destruction of a single parent with small children is viscous and unfathomable.

No one will help me!. These leeches plan for ages the final assault so are one step ahead!. My family also believe 'im mad". They do not see the targeted stalking I endure. If my sister would have said anything to me while imprisoned in such a disordered relationship I probably would have severed ties. Its crazy I know!. This personality type attract partners with an abundance of empathy. You maybe would have spotted the red flags.

Sounds like your " just the ticket" to support your family through this!. I hear your anger at this sub-human and long may that last. This was sorta spooky as to how spot-on it is! I witnessed a good dad being dragged through the courts trying to defend himself against countless accusations, continuing for over a decade after a divorce from a woman who is at best, a narcissist.

She's a criminal and pathological liar that has no concern for anyone, except for herself. She would go to different counties to obtain Orders of Protection and use those un-served documents to lie to family doctors and school admin - all in efforts to damage the father's reputation and relationship with their children. All the while she continued her poisonous contact with their kids, totally twisting their reality. She completely snowed one commissioner whom has since been publicly reprimanded for their antics - that commissioner has a reputation for being biased against men, and what a dynamically destructive duo of crazy mother and unhinged judge that was!

It all seems so surreal now. BTW, that commissioner resigned the day after having a "meltdown" during a hearing. Please continue to bring awareness of how we may better navigate through family courts with these destructive narcissists. It feels so awfully lonely and terribly hopeless when the ex is a narcissist and you're dealing with a system that seems to assume both parents want what's best for their children. I'm not a therapist or psychologist but this post was inspired by own experience in a short term marriage, no children, and no shared assets --and a second marriage for one, and a third for the other.

I cannot imagine how frantic I would have been if children were involved; this was about money. But the judges are overburdened and it would seem confused by trying to be equitable and then also "the best interests of the child. Both of the experts, Dr. Malkin and Mary Kirkpatrick, Esq. I will certainly revisit the subject with their expertise in tow, Best to you, JB. It is much appreciated.

I truly marvel at the immense emotional restraint the father has. He only gained sole custody mother must petition for supervised visitation at father's discretion after tremendous costs of time, effort and money of a court appointed Best Interest Attorney and forensic counselors. Their children have suffered tremendously at their mother's emotional abuse. I dunno how we can expedite these conclusions, as I've heard too many heartbreaking stories of the sane parent just giving up, but I think articles like yours, bringing much needed awareness is a great start.

Somehow, generally, when it comes to children--whether in this situation or others--as a society and global culture, we need to learn to do better. That, alas, is the sad truth. Anyone who does, is not a good person - and may even be a narcissist themselves. I would drag my burnt and blistered body across 5, miles of broken glass in a hurricane if it meant saving my children.. Should I have to? For a minute I thought you were describing the breakup of me and my ex. Expect the unexpected, dream up the nastiest thing an ex could do, they'll probably figure out something even worse.

In my case, 6 months after the breakup with no contact I was diagnosed with an STI. I relayed this information to my ex she was the last person I had sex with her response was to apply for a restraining order citing "psychological abuse" If you can have absolutely NO CONTACT with them after the breakup. The first two assertions in this article are patently false. Most narcissists are females not males; this can be proven by 'reality' and spending two minutes in 'real life' with a post-modern female.

Divorce lowers a man's standard of living, not a females. This can be proven by 'reality' and spending two minutes in 'real life'. I wasn't going to answer but the trolls have been making me crazy so I went for it! Glad you enjoyed it. People who leave nasty or denigrating comments to get attention for themselves or to stir things up. The intention is not to further discussion. Anyone leaving a comment here should beware that Peg Streep will delete your comment if it is unfavorable or disagrees with her viewpoints.

Streep considers anyone who counter argues her viewpoint to be a troll. She has deleted dozens of comments from this message board to create the false illusion of a unilateral and homogenized fan club. Sounds kind of like the actions of a covert narcissist to me! There is a single comment I have deleted a number of times because it's an opinion-based argument about how the narcissistic spectrum doesn't exist and therefore the article is unscientific. Well, experts and their research confirm the spectrum and there's no point in diverting anyone's attention to untruths.

And, yes, these message boards may be curated when the comments left impede real discussion. Fear, trembling, and watchfulness in the wake of a toxic childhood. The psychology of deception and the narcissist's skillful mirages.

How to Enjoy Life After Divorce

Seeing how a toxic childhood affected you isn't always straightforward. Back Find a Therapist. Fertilization Not Random After All? Are Psychopaths Unfairly Stigmatized? Inequality as a Lethal Disorder. Peg Streep Tech Support. Friend me on Faceook. Submitted by Doug on May 13, - 4: Leave Submitted by adandyutopia on May 14, - 4: Submitted by Anonymous on May 14, - 4:

When Your Marriage Is Over: Practical Advice for Surviving Divorce and Living Divorced When Your Marriage Is Over: Practical Advice for Surviving Divorce and Living Divorced
When Your Marriage Is Over: Practical Advice for Surviving Divorce and Living Divorced When Your Marriage Is Over: Practical Advice for Surviving Divorce and Living Divorced
When Your Marriage Is Over: Practical Advice for Surviving Divorce and Living Divorced When Your Marriage Is Over: Practical Advice for Surviving Divorce and Living Divorced
When Your Marriage Is Over: Practical Advice for Surviving Divorce and Living Divorced When Your Marriage Is Over: Practical Advice for Surviving Divorce and Living Divorced
When Your Marriage Is Over: Practical Advice for Surviving Divorce and Living Divorced When Your Marriage Is Over: Practical Advice for Surviving Divorce and Living Divorced

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