It may help you to look up crazy making and gas lighting on the internet to see if you recognise what is going on. I did have short term mental health problems, but once I was no longer living in fear not surprisingly I function normally apart from the odd trigger , which I have tools to deal with. Believe me there is life afterwards. I doubt that there are many journalists reading this but if anyone wants a story about police cuffing serious crime as well as naming the Police Commissioner , I have loads of evidence.
Incidentally he said in a web chat with one of my relatives that public servants who ignore domestic violence should face disciplinary action! Or more probable someone would be willing to put it out on social media. Sam, have you contacted Louise Tickle who writes for the Guardian? She may be sympathetic or may know some one who is. Sam, as a matter of interest, did you get a response at all from the journalist. I sent her a story but she never acknowledged it even. Journalists are always very busy and I guess the get thousands of requests.
Too many to read sometimes. I started seeing a new partner who had previous domesti violence threatned me with child protection and because my ex made another acchsation they put me on it and was wondering if been with him and make changes and be monitored could happen. If your partner has been violent in the past then people are going to be very worried about him.
What is he going to do? I think people ought to be given a chance to show that they can change. But you will have to accept that it will take time for people to trust him and he really has got to do something about it, not just say that he will. Violent,abusive men are a danger to their wives and children. For all sorts of reasons but mainly because they are the weaker sex,women cannot protect themselves or their children against the risk of violent partners percent. Which is why we have Police and the Police have the responsibility to protect women and vulnerable children from violent partners.
They are responsibility to make enquiries ,bring these violent men to justice and the court will gaol them,if necessary. These men will not change unless they are forced to. The prison and parole system is designed to make reform possible. Where they fail in that Public duty, violence is perpetuated.
It is not the duty of the Family Court to deal with domestic violence by way of half-baked counselling and child-in-need plans so forth and so forth. The Family Court is not there to deal with criminals. I think Sam has already worked that one out for herself! Sorry to correct you Angelo They are not out of control at all. If they perceive danger to themselves such as the Police being called they can stop their behavior immediately and slip straight in nice person mode.
Domestic abuse does not consist of random attacks , it is a cycle. Thank you for correcting me. They are unable to put a stop to their violent and destructive behaviour indeed they do not even acknowledge they are doing wrong. They are involved in a cycle of dysfunctional,criminal behaviour which is often inter-generational. All this has been known for years but ,in my opinion,the civil courts do not have the power to deal with criminals neither should they be granted the power. The answer lies in strong action in a proper criminal court followed by punishments fully proportionate to the crime such as prison.
Only then can these wicked men reform. Or the cycle goes round and round. Wickedness has to be driven out, not tackled by civil courts. The problem is the Police are failing in their duty to bring the criminals to justice. Often women are talking to a brick wall.
Police inaction perpetuates the cycle. They have been a part of the cycle for years. Hence why domestic violence perpetrator programmes have such low levels of success. These men, as Sam rightly says, not only do not accept they are doing anything wrong, they usually feel entitled to act as they do. Hence why care proceedings are likely to always remain a sad necessity in this, and every other society.
Hear,hear-we must stop the cycle somehow. I suspect,however,that the bal of probs decisions in serious cases like that of Sam and her child are often very wrong and miscarriages of justice are not so rare. Perhaps more openness will improve matters. Not only do we need more openess in family court I feel as a society we need more honesty about relationships in general and around addiction in particular.
I would be really keen to flag up the misuse of alcohol, which incidentally is more abused but probably more easily concealed further up the socioeconomic ladder and the use of prescribed drugs rather than the empowerment of talking therapies. I totally agree with Sarah, I am sure my ex learnt behavior from watching his mother beaten was it was the right way to conduct relationships. Do you agree with me that very many times,Mums report domestic criminal violence to the Police who do not use their full resources and carry out a full and proper investigation? The force often refuses to get involved suitably with these vile men about which Mums complain.
The officers do not deal with the criminals and abrogate their duty by referring the family to Social Services. For the sake of the discussion,even if I accept that you think that the Family Court have to try criminals indeed it is the Law and that they should have the power to remove children but not to gaol criminals ,I would have to insist that family court hearings rely. Because of the ripple effect,it is absolutely essential that the procedures are followed scrupulously ,that cases are conducted correctly and that hearings are open-minded and impartial with Lawyers who have no conflict of interest.
I think most of us agree on that. In your particular case, it was not conducted correctly. They did not talk to you,no wonder they gave the child to him! This happens a lot. The lower court ignored your complaints so you should have an automatic right to a publicly-funded appeal. They take your children into care so you can watch them either die or dissapear if they are not adopted by strangers. The report argued that the Government was under-reporting the number of children going missing from care.
While the official figure for was , the report argues that, according to police data, an estimated 10, individual children went missing. The report cited that this high number was symptomatic of a care system which was far from being fit for purpose and in need of an urgent rethink. Ian What is the link between my reply and your reply please? I also think we all agree that the care system is not fit for purpose. How are you able to so confidently assert that it is better for children to remain in violent households than go into care?
Is this ALL children? If only some, which ones? I confidently assert that where neither parent has been convicted of a crime against children and neither has been charged with or convicted of domestic violence they are better off left where they are than risk joining the 10, kids in care who end up missing or dead. Please provide the proof for this assertion. Who has compiled these figures? What are their sources? What proportion of children are missing? How did they die? I have heard about it particularly in Rochdale and more recently in Rotherham.
It matters little whether the figures are ten,five or one thousand. Statistics are not all and they go up and down. Quantiative judgments are invalid! To me not even one child should go missing from care and allowed to roam into the hands of predators. What would happen if an individual parent allowed it?
They would be castigated and brought to justice for criminal neglect. I also believe that not one child should be forcibly adopted wrongly and that when it happens ,parents should have a remedy. Have you any suggestions as to changes in the Law as I asked. Or perhaps you think the law is okay as it is? You say that it is a dangerous myth and that they are here to help yet only 6 weeks ago I rang the police and had my partner the father to my child arrested for domestic violence.
I wish I had never spoken out about what had happened and then none of this would have happened. Best thing for anyone whether it be male or female, if your partner is violent or abusive and you have a child DO NOT call the police and just leave yourself, get the courage to do it this way because by informing the police you run the risk of having your child taken in to care. The system is a JOKE. I am sorry to hear this. I hope you can work with your lawyer and keep your family together.
This is the biggest worry!! I have no money and no where to go but he would never leave and if he did he would keep coming back with out the backup of police. There are options, it is just very difficult to see them when you are in the middle of the situation. When it is safe for you to do so ring http: I agree with Michelle , I lost my children because I called the police and I had already separated from the abuser.
He now has one of my children under a care order. With me it was wholesale failure by authorities, to both listen to me, follow proper procedure and look at the previous history. Michelle if you are made to have a psychiatric assessment do make sure that the expert actually has expertise in working with domestic violence victims and raise the very real possibility of PTSD rather than some pre existing condition. I looked at this resource when it first started, read the domestic violence article , got angry and thought what the hell do they know as it was so different from my own experience.
I am glad I came back, I realise now that they , which mainly appears to be Sarah does know, but I and some other mothers have had a very bad experience. I do now understand why a child seeing violence is a child protection matter, but I do not agree with children being removed because the victim takes the positive step of reporting to the police. What they require is intensive support, so they understand the dynamics ,and widen their support network.
A victim is very likely to have PTSD , the controlling, accusatory nature of the court process and supervised contact and going to exacerbate any symptoms and delay healing. There also needs to be a far greater awareness and punishment of domestic violence , something akin to being as wrong as drink driving. The good news is that you have a lawyer in court with you tomorrow. Make sure they explain to you exactly what is going on. If you were going through a bad patch 5 years ago but you have now moved on, that cannot be held against you for the rest of your life.
The court will need to see that you have made changes and that you will stick to those changes. Problem is that if things were bad in the past that is almost certainly having an impact on your child today and that is probably why they want a psychological assessment to work out what help your child needs. Sorry but removal of children is not a myth. When I finally went for help I was dumbfounded by the reaction of the women at the domestic violence centre. They told me categorically that there was nothing that they could do to support ME but they would ensure that my 2 children were taken into care.
Imagine how I felt, it had taken me weeks to build up the courage to go and then they said that. I ran out of there as fast as I could. However, what they did next shocked me even more. They sent the police to my house to threaten ME even more. This happened in front of my husband and since then he has used it as a threat to control me. My husband had driven me to the depths of despair, I was suicidal and on anti-depressants.
I acted as soon as I could. I have also agreed that support for women in abusive relationships can be patchy or even non existent. I hope you can get some help from somewhere. It will damage you and your children. Please speak to Womens Aid. Anyone have advice for me in what to do? I volunteer myself to get a restraining order on the abuser and try to enroll in parenting and domestic violence but I need a form by the judge. It is most likely that your children will have been taken away because they had to call the police after seeing or hearing violence in their home.
The courts are very clear that seeing or hearing violence in the home is very likely to cause children to suffer significant harm — they are likely to be afraid. They are at risk of getting caught up in the violence and being physically hurt. I would just say that if your children had to call the police, it seems very likely that the court will accept that there was serious violence in your home.
You should get a lawyer for free if you are in care proceedings. I think it is really, really important that you get a lawyer that you can talk to. Your lawyer can advise you properly. Allegations of harm and abuse in the family court: Accepting your partner is an abuser takes time. He might be very good at pretending, confusing your emotions and lie about everything since you met him.
His pattern of behavior is to leave you in a desperate state, emotionally, financially and sometimes physically. Then you become dependent of him, even though your heart is worn and you feel spent, you still feel like his return will make things okay. Leaving your only choice to be reconnecting with him, even leaving your child temporarily as you have nowhere else to go?
Whoever disagree with me should read about narcissistic sociopaths. You might think even a monster will care for or even love his own son..
Consequently, he evolves and practices honing people skills to become a master of manipulation and charm so he can keep stirring up your emotions while keeping your loyalty. This is all too late for me to know, as my baby is now under his care and I have independent evidence to prove his abuse.
For people who still naively think that your abusive partner will ever love the child, please wake up for your child and realize it is just your projection hoping his love for you was at least real at one point. As my friend said, the people work for these units or organizations are unsung heroes, as he was abused by his stepfather. However, each case is different and non-physically abuse on children is just as detrimental and urgent as physical abuse. Also, being from a different country just seems an excuse for everyone to shut that door, hang up their phone and signpost you to others, even if her child is a British Citizen, until you end up with no help, no money and no baby.
There are over 14 members many who are victims of domestic violence. Once these children are taken it is almost impossible to get them back even after you have left your abusive partner. We are on facebook…. I was emotionally abused by my partner for a year and when I tried leaving she pushed me down the stairs. I reported it to the police, but after 2 weeks they finally interviewed her and have decided not to follow it up, I suspect because I am a man. There are young children in the house and my ex-partner suffers from depression and is on medication, she is also an alcoholic and has self harmed and pretended to have cancer.
But now I must continue to suffer as she gets to carry on with her life as normal and still have the children at risk. Neill I do hope you can find some support. A voluntary organisation who may be able to help you is http: You may be able to make sense of the situation by contacting them.
It is dreadful to be a domestic violence victim and not be taken seriously by the police whatever gender you are. Have Social Services been involved at all? I am only an ordinary parent like you but I can only say you did thre right thing by reporting it to the Police. Report it every time But only if you have definite evidence such as a knife in your back with her fingerprints on it. I seriously suggest you go and report it to HER parents and they might intervene and sort her out and might even look after the kids for a while. They know how to deal with her.
Go to the Family Rights Group website for advice. Time scales for action, Neil. I suggest you act quickly. If she is depressed or traumatised in a previous partner etc. She will be drinking to as a means of escape. Same if bringing up 4 kids is getting on top of her.
Extended family should be supporting her. The biggest problem you have these days is that there is very little help these days for those with MH problems. You have to help yourself. I hope this helps. The only thing on offer these days are tablets and counselling. A combination of medication and talking therapy is often the optimum solution for mental health problems Angelo, what else did you have in mind?
Well , Helen, you are at complete liberty to question me but I am not a psychologist. However, I can say with some authority ,having seen professional advice provided to others who shall remain nameless that you are quite wrong to state that medication and talking therapy is often the optimum solution. You would have been right to say that it is often the only therapy on offer these days which is what I said.
Historically, the optimum therapy was well known to be convalescence i. Everything laid on a plate for a patient with no worries or stress. Children were cared for by extended family usually but at worst ,they might have to undergo temporary foster-care away from family. Or Father might take time off work to look after the kids. In serious cases, medication will be used and in some cases, the holiday would not be in a regular convalescence facility but in a mental hospital under 24 -hour surveillance by mental health staff.
The therapy really works and occupational therapy i. I suppose talking therapy is helpful but it is wrong to say it is optimal. If a Mum was depressed, stressed, traumatised etc. All this happens now. I asked a question in an earlier comment. A friend of mine was recently charged with DV, but never convicted, he tells me that it was her malicious lies, and I believe him. However regardless of what anyone believes, the case came to a close through a lack of evidence, a social worker is working closely with his partner.
But it sort of seems like it is his word against hers. Would somebody care to enlighten us? It would be much appreciated. My advice in the meantime is that he keeps quiet especially if he has separated from Mum and his son remains with Mum. If he starts pestering her and demanding contacts etc. Even if she admits that the allegations were false and malicious, that will not help because the SW may well assume that you have conspired to control her and make her retract out of fear.
If Mum is genuinely frightened of your friend then you should ask him why? He should be honest with himself if that is correct in his case we all human and turn over a new leaf. He should not do anything at all to confirm what they have probably already decided about him. I assume you are saying that the police took no action regarding any criminal charges for violence. So I am afraid he is still at risk of findings being made against him in the family courts, on a balance of probabilities. But to prevent him seeing his son there would have be proper findings after hearing evidence.
Allegations which are not accepted cannot be treated as facts. How often does he see his son? Has your friend has any work around anger management or sim? Were the police involved in any incidents? There are probably better sites to help your friend such as this one Families Need Fathers — honest answers to these questions will be needed. I always make this comment about anger management. It is very dangerous to use with perpetrators of domestic abuse, which is about power and control — not anger. Anger management teaches perpetrators how to hide the signals their victims read and need to know something is about to happen and how they are going to manage it.
NO, I completely disagree. We ended up moving out of state months later before our second son was born and although that was not the main reason we moved, it was how we got them out of our lives. We moved to Florida where they have so many cases to deal with, ours was minor comparatively and they closed our case. Had we not moved to Florida, who knows what would have happened?
I am fairly certain it would not have ended well. Also, they were horrible to me and very judgmental and hostile, which was unnecessary and served no purpose. In fact, it made things worse! I was the only one suffering the actual physical abuse, although my son did get pushed once while trying to protect me.
I am well aware that he suffered and should not have had to live through that and I am in no way trying to defend their father — there was no excuse for what he did! I did leave a little over a year after that incident. And that is unfortunate. The victim is double persecuted once by the prepatrator and then by the authorities.
All attention is placed on harassing the mother, to comply. Evidence is hidden from courts, or even destroyed by authorities. GP ignored despite medical evidence. This is the situation in the UK, and needs dealing with. I have nothing to hide or destroy if nobody has told anybody anything. It is very difficult that the perpetrator is asked to leave, because of the risk to children, and the victim is asked to leave them.
The alternative is taking children out of the environment, hopefully to protective family members. Apart from being gagged, I can recognise all of the above. It leaves children at continuing risk of abuse as some courts order contact or even residence with the perpetrator.
They are not making it up as they go along , rather they unfold as they start to feel safe and actually realise what has happened. They are masters of disguise. Judges, police and social workers really need to have training on and be able to investigate the abusers over whelming driver of the abuse, that is entitlement. I had one client who pulled the hair out of her hair brush and told the police it had been yanked out of her head. That was clearly a lie and the police knew it.
She withdrew her application for a non mol in the end. Yes, these cases are not common and i am sure there are far more victims of violence than there are people prepared to lie about it. I agree that we probably all need more understanding and awareness. One such awareness I would like to promote is for victims to understand the forensic process and the need to tell poeople as soon as they can about what is happening. We need to be teaching our children from their earliest days about treating each other and themselves wth respect and kindness.
I imagine it also applies to violent females too. Reform via the Courts is essential and unfortunately Family Courts do not have the power to order suitable punishments such as prison, probation, borstal training, community service etc. All they can do is remove children from the scene into care which is wholly disproportionate.
That is punishing the victims. The Police let the perpetrators off the hook and they should not do. When they are dysfunctional e. All this actually makes them ashamed of themselves and that is when they lose control and are violent. This is the trigger. If I was on drugs or if I was an alcoholic with responsibilities or if you were, even we might strike out at those we love.
Especially if our partners tell us about it or threaten to leave etc. We should take careful heed of him too. Of course, not all men lose control and become violent but some do. There for the grace of God go we. I think we do treat our children from the earliest from the earliest days already. Some will always go astray. Reform is the answer. Deal with them and leave the victims alone! If I were a woman, I would not report it if I thought the Police would not take action; my husband would hit me worse. Before anyone says it again, i am not making excuses for these men , I am saying reform them.
That is the only way. In my experience men who are violent are actually over anxious coupled with have a sense of entitlement. Yes I think you are right Angelo guilt , though that guilt is about themselves, rather than what they do to the victim and shame, once again about themselves, are important as well. There always is something wrong with a bully.
As for getting women to understand they are victims , the best way I have found is that they speak to someone else who has already identified herself as one. There are such common themes , for instance every victim I have met has been frightened of his driving and all spent time pressing down on an imaginary brake when a passenger, and talking about this brings clarity that they too have been a victim. They have something to be ashamed of ; they know they are wrong; they know they are not meeting their duties and obligations; they realise they are dysfunctional etc.
When spouse complains and tries to help him, tells him not to drink etc. When that becomes a habit , it is disaster for the family especially if the Police report it to the CS. So where do things start to go wrong? As Sarah says, be more careful when choosing who to have children with etc.
No matter how careful we are, even if we marry a higher -class wealthy person, they can be just as controlling and violent if not more so. I have no experience of rape but I do know that all expert and police advice is NOT to fight, that those who fight the rapist often end up with far worse injuries or even murdered. They're not saying 'Roll over and act like a restimulated victim of child abuse'. They're giving sensible advice that could save your life. Indeed, being strategically compliant can be seen as actually a very adult, composed and in control response.
Closer to home, personally I was subject to a street crime which was over and done with before I knew it. Nonetheless, I was very badly injured and traumatised for many many months. It didn;t rekindle any ancient abuses or hidden memories. It was what it was - shocking. It was compounded by incredibly dreadful police and other authority responses.
I now consider my response to be normal and sane, the reasonable response of any healthy adult. Thus, I guess that my criticism of a blanket analysis of all failure to deal well with events where one is made a victim is that blanket interpretations are superficial and inaccurate. To that extent such blanket assessments may lead others to consider 'victims' as already at fault too 'damaged' by their previous abuse? I think I understand you better now, and I'm sorry for what happened to you. Sometimes there is no way to be prepared to prevent against such attacks or the following traumatization that follows.
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From what you said, I think you're probably correct that your behavior during the attack, and the following trauma you experienced were both "normal" and sane. Even people who try to prepare for such things aren't always successful. Our military personnel are physically trained to handle the atrocities of war, but I'm not sure how mentally prepared one could ever be.
I imagine a large amount of psychological trauma occurs beyond the popular post-traumatic stress disorder stories we're more familiar with. You're correct that the world is blind and indifferent to many of the injustices, abuses, and sufferings that are the daily life for so many. It's difficult for people to deal with the reality of our existence and to see beyond their own field of vision. Some people live in a world of blindness and bliss so long as nothing pricks their illusionary bubble, and they substitute one material craving and dependency for the next and call that life.
Some live in a world of paranoia, fear, mistrust, hate, and violence, each of which beget more of each. Very few live in a world of understanding and compassion. It takes conscious effort to seek self-knowledge and to try to understand and feel compassion for others. One could look at every one of us as victims, I suppose. Victims of a life that we didn't choose. Not ONE of us chose to be alive. That is where the confusion arises. A person such as yourself tries to lead an honest life, and you get robbed. The easy thing to do is to feel hatred for your attacker. Hatred isn't empowering, though.
That's what you're trying to do now, understand. Understand yourself, why you may have experienced the trauma, learn more about PTSD and see if others react similarly in your situation, try to understand why you were angry that no one seemed to care, try to understand what might breed public service worker's feelings of indifference or apathy, understand how much healing might have been accomplished if they had reacted compassionately to you instead, try to understand the mind of criminals, sociopaths, the fear that turned them into monsters.
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Come to an understanding that compassion might also help them heal. When it is revealed to us the extent of fear, violence, and hatred that exists in this world, it can be at first quite consuming.. I'm finding that the only way I can effectively deal with it is to learn more about it and try to heal it through actions of love. And there is a big difference between ideation and action. A public service worker can do a lot more to serve the public by showing compassion. It may even cut their effort in half, who knows.. Trying to gain understanding and compassion for all other beings is a lot of responsibility to be charged with, but it seems once a person has gained a certain level of understanding, it's hard to go back to the world of blindness or violence.
I dream of a day in which our children no longer inherit confusion and suffering and can live freely enjoying the beauty and love that can instead be our existence. I can see where you are coming from Alan. But the justice system doing its job properly I don't think will heal you as a person. Getting revenge on my stepfather, mother and ex would be satisfying but I was still left with all them horrible feelings.
One is dead and two are old and lonely. I on the other hand have a fulfilled life. I have beautiful children and a job I love. My husband has narcissistic tendencies that I deal with by humour. I can stand up for myself as I am trained well. No prison sentence is going to make me feel better. What a very informative and well written article. I'll be sending this out to my friends and will share it with my therapist. I hadn't drawn a parallel between victims of e.
But, you're on the button, I feel: Indeed, your connection illustrates most pertinently what I'm endeavouring to articulate. Whilst out in theatre, defending, fighting, killing, being killed and maimed, 'our boys and girls ' are lauded as wonderful heroes. As of course they truly are. Once they get home, traumatised and battered, they're treated abysmally.
I forget, for example, the statistics with regards to homelessness amongst veterans but I recall that it's scandalously high; and we've heard stories of the gvt's cutbacks concerning their treatment for PTSD. Somehow, vets are treated as abnormal once they get home and struggle with the personal aftermath of all that they've experienced - and those who should help and support do not. This parallel exactly encapsulates my issue with casting people who have been personally under fire whether in war or on urban streets as intrinsically victims who need to sort themselves out because they are somehow deficient.
You write that very few have genuine understanding and compassion, and that so many live in bubbles of illusion: You also write of the fear and hatred that underpins so much of human life. For some reason I could not summon up hatred for my attacker - as you said, I've just sought to understand why victims are so universally feared and hated! As they certainly are - by all sorts of professionals - and this manifests in all sorts of ways both overt and covert. In sum, I pity my attacker who is clearly ill and most likely an authentic victim of Dr.
Seltzer's unresolved child abuse. But I have nothing but disgust for the hypocritical authorities and those professionals who then went on to underplay, dismiss, deny, ignore the offending and its effects. It seems to me that this is somehow worse than the attacker's blind, unthinking behaviour: You see, I'm not so sure it's the victim who needs the most help I am completely in agreement YG, that public service workers could indeed cut their workloads and their resource expenditure in half by actually employing a soupcon of compassion and empathy when dealing with those of us who've been through a traumatic experience.
I now have much experience of the 'blame the victim' syndrome! Indeed, as a professional writer and researcher, I feel a book or two coming on! Meanwhile, I'm currently holding police and other authorities to account for their 'secondary victimisation' the police in my case, for example, are now subject to a high level investigation of their 'harassment of the victim of crime' and 'conspiracy to pervert the course of justice' - these simply because they did not exercise the least compassion and chose to cover up their failures and incompetences.
This secondary victimisation in so many different forms is very common I've been appalled to find. So, I'd genuinely like to hear more from Dr Seltzer on these other aspects of psychological trauma: Thank you once again for your engagement, YG. You've certainly helped me to think further and generously shared your caring, compassionate and sanely practical and practicable! It sounds like you had a really horrible experience with the justice system, and I'm really sorry for all the unecessary insult to injury.. You've brought up many very important issues that linger in the moral-political zone in which I tend to focus much of my energy as well.
If you don't like the world, change it, right?? I think it's great you were able to forgive your attacker, but it seems you are now focusing your anger on "the professionals" and go as far as to say that victims are universally feared and hated. I don't know what exactly happened to you nor should you probably discuss it in an open forum if there are legal actions in progress, but it is the broad generalizations that concern me. Of course, if I were a rape victim who was humiliated in court with the perp getting off free as I believe happens frequently , maybe I would better understand your level of discord..
I think it's easier to get a victim into therapy than the vampire, and Leon can correct me, because typically vampires have some level of antisocial tendencies which make them not trust other people. Sometimes NO other people and certainly not therapists. They have so many defense mechanisms put up that the last thing they would ever want is to be vulnerable to someone skilled at mind-reading.
I chatted with a schizoid on here once, and he was telling me how "obviously manipulative" therapists are. That's probably a pretty common observation in those types, they don't see people as genuinely wanting to help them, as I feel most psychologists want to do. So, let's say a person gets attacked and seeks treatment for the resulting trauma. The perp would be SO LUCKY as to get caught and be institutionalized in a real correctional facility that actually tries to help heal them.
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Does that even exist? I don't know, but our tax dollars would probably pay for it, or shrinks working pro bono. I know nothing about it, really, but one of the other bloggers used to do work in this arena, which I think is awesome. Now why were the professionals so rotten to you? I would pobably have to hear more in order to say, but again it's probably not in your best legal interest to say.. Do service workers become hardened by the work they do? Do they start off being idealistic and wanting to help and then feel that it's endless, and give up the good fight? Do they see their work as just a pay check and not really care about people due to their own bad childhoods?
Did you just happen to catch a bunch of people on a super crappy day? Do you have pent up rage about your own upbringing and are you taking it out on the professionals??? That might be a valid question! This goes back to what I was saying in my first comment about recognizing situations in which you feel defenseless or on the defense and try to link it up to childhood experiences. So, the attack itself is not the issue, but it's feeling attacked by the professionals that worries me. And I am not "blaming the victim", but I'm trying to make sure you have as much power as you can have before continuing on this arduous battle.
From my own civil rights battles that I've engaged in, I've learned that having high levels of self-knowledge is the single most effective way to make change happen, because if you know yourself, you know everyone else, and can speak directly to their hearts which is what makes people change. Steven Stosny has a great blog about compassion being power, compared to people armed with anger, and he is so correct.
No one wants to listen to someone who appears to be angry even if the anger is warranted. If you show a true level of concern and compassion for the entity who you are trying to change, you gain the respect of people who can help you as well enable the entity to bring down their defenses so that such change is possible. And remember that even if you're trying to change entire political systems, you are speaking to the hearts of individual people, people who have the same fears and dreams you do, they just might not know it yet.
Alan, it's been a real pleasure chatting with you as well. I'm a regular on here, so you may see me floating around. I wish you a lot of courage for what may lie ahead. May i ask if this syndrome might occur due to their childhood. Like it could be the lack of parents attention in ensuring their child's development? Nice article to read. I think being a child is fun that is why We adult tend to imitate childhood behavior to have fun.
Finding the fun in life by tapping into the inner child might well be great for bonding with kids and making some things more tolerable. I suppose it is simply a case of finding which experiences are to be dealt with and sorted out. Having a sense of fun is a tremendous gift to others and an invitation to come out and play. Then some joy might pop up. Nothing traumatic to report. When I spend time with my parents, either one, in the presence of others, I feel embarrassed by what they say, just as I did as a teenager.
Their beliefs are so old-fashioned in so many ways, and they have no impulse-control, it seems though they're not particularly senile. It's been interesting having them move to my block after many years of not living so close. None of us is young, to say the least. But I find myself wanting to apologize for them, perhaps so I won't be seen as embarrassing too.
I know it's up to me in this case to remember that we're separate adults and to just relax. I had awful problems with this Susan. My father was fine but my mother just blurted out negative opinions and criticism in front of me, my friends and their parents when I was young. It was truly horrendous. I figured it was becasue she did not work and was never challenged or maybe she was simply nervous or anxious. I had to keep her away from everyone which resulted in an awful resentful backlash for years. AND then to my horror, I found I had caught this behaviour and it took me a long time to erradicate it.
Parents have a great responsibility to model behaviour to their childre. My mother failed totally but I can now see how unhappy she was. I would just put their comments down to beng a product of their time and let it go. Perhaps they cannot accept the change in the world around them and you are one of the few links to it- so you hear their opinions rather than others.
- Azabache (Spanish Edition).
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- 8 Signs of Bad Parenting That Every Parent Should Know | WeHaveKids!
- Robert Pattinson: Eternally Yours.
Are they insecure I wonder? While searching the internet for something to put a name to what I consider to be a long-standing issue, I came across this article. I cannot begin to describe the difficulty I had in bringing about an awareness of what it was that plagued me for most of my adult life. Not only did this article speak to me on many levels of my life and why I consistently respond to a situation with those "child-like" feeelings and thoughts, but it finally gave my experience an identity, an identity that I can now make sense of and take those nexts, albeit frightening steps, toward that process called change.
Seltzer, for not only writing this article but for providing a link to the Lifespans Integration website. Now to the point of my post. Actually, when I was doing preliminary research for this post, I wasn't able to find anything on the web either. So I wrote it pretty much on the basis of my own intuition and understanding, as well as my extensive clinical experience though some of what I say is, in a general sense, certainly covered in the psychotherapy literature. Not sure which self-help books would be most helpful to you at this point.
Managing distress is primarily based on ones beliefs and imprinting and en-training, about their stress, and one of the focuses of our training was Cognitive Reconditioning. I had a massive break through "Epiphany" during this part of my training concerning my childhood and certain core beliefs that I carried beneath the surface, that caused me great distress generally and in specific situations, and I thought I had addressed them. Lifespan Integration, which is more specific addressing, seems very much akin to Core Beliefs and Cognitive Reconditioning, which are much more general in manner?
Connecting Ego States through Time," is the best? Peggy Pace's workbook is really designed for professionals using her model. Additionally, several of my posts list different core beliefs that can lead to dysfunctionality. Consider, among others, one that I did not long ago on anxiety and depression, and another on the susceptibility to being gulled. Thanks for the suggestion on Young's book.www.cantinesanpancrazio.it/components/wocadydo/389-localizzare-cellulare-con.php
The "I Feel Like a Child" Syndrome | Psychology Today
I can at least take some comfort in knowing that I'm moving in the right direction I'm currently working through Young's book and working with a therapist who received training in schema therapy. I don't know what you are dealing with but I find that my behaviour and feeeling issues come and go. On reflection many periods in my life were good and unaffected. I had moved countries though and this may have been a benefit.
8 Signs of Bad Parenting That Every Parent Should Know
In the end I developed in a way that helped defuse the problems. I had a verbally and emotionally abusive mother who was a narcissist and dominated me. She is now passing away and I notice that this is releasing me. I feel free from her tyranny and understand the past more-there are some very positive aspects, as my sister points out. My mother left me with a sensitivity to certain behaviours in dominant people, sensitive to criticism, paranoia and negative, depressing memories. I had the "you'll never amount to anything" and "no-one will want you" treatment.
That is a quick road to hate and you never say that to a youngster, ever. As a teacher you are then finished with that child. The dominating aspect meant that I had to find a career and employer that let me perform without interference, authority and criticism. It took a long time but my new country allowed this. I am now totally autonomous in my work, well paid and supported as a gymnasium teacher in science.
I have a wonderful working situation. My success builds my self-esteem at work but I changed my approach to people, ramin very postive and supportive of others. I have no paranoia, no conflict, no sharp opinions and patience. In the wrong employment I fail and things go wrong so these 40 hours a week are important to control. In my private life I chose bad partners.
The last two really caused inner-child responses. The one before these two had a very positive effect 8 years. I have had a break to remove the effects of late. A kind and happy partner is needed with a positive outlook. There are several signs of bad parenting. To children, the actions of parents speak louder than words. As a child's first teachers, parents are the first influence in his or her life.
The child's attitude, views, goals, and perspective depend to a large extent on what he learns from his parents. What a child learns in the early years is known to leave a lasting impression, which is why good parenting is an absolute necessity. Whenever a child makes a mistake or lacks manners, the blame is mostly put on the parents. Is bad parenting damaging your child? What makes a bad parent? Can good kids survive bad parenting? What are the signs and effects to look for?
How can you be a better parent? I will try to answer these questions. Neglecting your child physically or emotionally can affect him or her in an extremely negative manner. Child neglect is a very common type of child abuse, which can hurt as much as physical abuse. Ignoring the needs of children, putting them in unsupervised or in dangerous situations, or making the child feel worthless can lead to low self-esteem and isolation.
Many times this can affect the mental health or social development of the child and may even leave lifelong psychological scars. Neglect can negatively effect children's cognition, emotion, behavior, motor development, language, and overall ability. According to The Lasting Impact of Neglect by Kiersten Wier, published by the American Psychological Association, neglect can lead to a long list of problems including low self-esteem, social withdrawal, poor impulse control, stealing, problems with coping and regulating emotions, and pathological behaviors like tics, tantrums, and self-harm.
Neglect can also affect intellectual functioning and academic achievement. Exposing a child to physical violence or verbal abuse can be very damaging to his or her psychology. Many children are victims of these types of abuse. Many parents vent their frustrations at their children without realizing what sort of psychological damage they are inflicting.
Even one spanking or slur, even a small bruise or remark can leave its mark. Such acts can lead to the child losing confidence and developing an inferiority complex. According to the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention, abuses like these can cause lifelong psychological, physical, behavioral, and economic problems and poor physical and mental health. Aside from observable signs of physical damage, the effects may last a lifetime and might manifest in depression and anxiety or in high-risk behaviors such as casual sex, self-harm, crime, chemical dependency, and other unhealthy, dangerous behaviors, including eating disorders, sleep issues, apathy and lethargy, hostility, and attention deficit disorders.
Punishment might be required when a child does something wrong, but when they are extensively punished for small matters, it may backfire. A child requires physical contact with the parent like hugs, kisses, and other signs of affection. If you yell at your child, call him or her names, or say that he or she is no good, the damage can be permanent.
There are many parents who do nothing to discourage bad behavior or manners in their kids and turn a blind eye to their behavior. As the saying goes, what you sow is what you reap. If you are someone who shouts or uses bad words in front of children, then it is only natural that they will take after you. That may be why the children of smokers or drinkers or drug users are more likely to start experimenting with substances at a young age.
Those parents are in no position to stop them, as they have the same bad habits. Fighting or indulging in physical or verbal abuse in front of the child also is not a sign of a good parent. It is very important to offer a good example for the child to follow. When a parent makes it clear that they prefer one child over another, it can be very damaging, and those children are more likely to exhibit depression later in life. You might think that the preferred child would benefit from all that positive attention, but that's not what happens. In many households, boys get preferential treatment, making the girl feel useless or neglected.
Be it with education, food, or other essential requirements, girls often get less opportunities, beginning in their own homes. Many parents even have the habit of complaining to others about their own children. They grumble or complain about their child in front of others rather than communicating and parenting responsibly. It is true that a parent usually knows what is best for his or her child, but often parents force their choices onto their children without considering their interests, intelligence level, or capacity.
Many are very controlling and look to achieve their own unfulfilled dreams and ambitions through their children. An authoritarian parent is one who demands constant obedience and uses threats, shame, and other punishments to enforce good behavior. Research suggests these oppressive tactics are toxic for kids. When the child cannot live up to the expectations of the parent, it can be very de-motivating and disappointing for everyone.
A child requires encouragement and motivation, but forcing them to be something that goes against their own nature can affect them adversely. Many parents are not very wise with money and don't model healthy financial responsibility. While some cater to a child's every whim and fancy, others are excessively stingy. Some continuously overspend and live beyond their means, while others keep finances a secret and pretend like money doesn't matter. Children whose every need is fulfilled may fail to realize the real value of money and may develop bad habits. Studies have shown that by 7 years old, most children have already formed the money habits they will carry into adulthood, so it's important to teach kids about money before then.
On the flip side of neglect, too much pampering or involvement can spoil the child by making them too demanding and dependent. Many parents overprotect their children and interfere in their activities to such an extent that when they grow up, they are incapable of taking care of themselves and become anxious, incompetent, and incapable of making decisions.
Many parents believe others more than they believe their own children. Sometimes, they do not even allow their child to offer an explanation. Many have no faith in their children and de-motivate them with their words or actions. This sort of behavior can cause a child to rebel or do things they are not supposed to do. The effects of bad parenting run deep and long.
Many kids lose self-esteem, develop bad habits, or feel inhibited for the rest of their lives, so take time out for children, teach them good manners, and correct them when they do wrong. Many of us including me have suffered from the effects of bad parenting. I had a neglected childhood where I was forced to stay away from my parents and also suffered from favoritism. I am sure that there are many who suffered in childhood like I did, if not more, but it is up to us to turn that negative into a positive. What I suffered made me a much stronger person.
It made me promise myself to do better and never let my children suffer the way I did. The first thing a current or prospective parent should realize is that you cannot be perfect in all aspects. Humans are prone to making mistakes, but we have to learn from them, correct them, and not let them affect our children. Though it may not be possible to be a perfect parent, at least you can try to be a good one. When parents neglect to set rules and boundaries for their children, it is only natural for the kids to become brats or display unacceptable behavior.
By being a friend instead of a parent, you do them a disservice. It is your choice if you want to be a positive role model or be a bad parent. Managing tantrums, mistakes, and mischief wisely can help your child become a good citizen. I think I have covered all the major signs of bad parenting. Have I left anything? Feel free to add them by way of comments.
My child is horrible. No method of punishment works for her. She does the same thing you tell her to stop doing over and over again. I have resorted to spanking, but that's not working either. Am I a bad parent? What do I do? I am just ready to give her away to the system because I can't do it anymore. Punishments can often make children rebellious. Things that can't be solved using punishment can be solved using love. Talk to your child calmly and try to understand her problem.
If you don't share a good rapport with your child, let her father or grandparents talk to her. Maybe that will help you know what you are doing wrong. Communication can solve a lot of problems. You have suffered the effects of bad parenting. You know what you lacked as a victim of poor parenting. All you have to do is not to repeat the mistakes your parents made. That won't be hard, right?
Children need parents who guide and motivate them. Just like over interference, lack of proper parental influence can also be bad for children. It is good that you realized your fault. Now all you need to do is take positive steps to change your behavior towards your children. It's never too late to change yourself. I am sure your kids would be happy to see you changed than having a bad parent for life. Yes, the effects of bad parenting are likely to last for a long time.
My stepdaughter married a guy with a son. She too has a son. Her husband has abandoned nurturing his own son, and is trying to be overly involved in hers. He never played sports, but is now taking every opportunity to coach. Our grandson is getting upset repeatedly, and his mom doesn't know what to do with her husband being so overly involved. We think he should focus on his son instead of taking control of his non-biological son. What do you think?
It is a good thing that your son-in-law cares for his stepson. Maybe he loves your daughter too much and wants to stay in her good books. But overly intrusive parenting is bad for children and should be avoided. I also find it odd that he has abandoned his biological son. The kids from both marriages should be treated equally. Neglecting a child is equally bad as over-involvement with another child. I think your daughter should have an open talk with her husband and sort the issue.
Many Parents not just yell at their children, but also indulge in verbal and physical violence. Some children may turn aggressive, rebel and constantly misbehave if Parents treat them badly. Calm down before interacting with children. As a Parent, if you are constantly having a problem controlling your anger, I would advise you to seek counseling. Favoritism can be damaging to both the favored child and the overlooked one. Discrimination based on gender and skills are quite common.
Parents and grandparents often favor a boy compared to a girl child. Children who are intelligent and good at sports are often the apple of the eyes of their family. Unequal treatment from parents and grandparents can become a cause for sibling rivalry, and the un-favored child may resent the favored child. This is something I have done too. I have resented my brother and parents all my life. I made mistakes and revolted against my parents to hurt them for their unequal treatment. I was depressed, angry and suffering from low self-esteem. I have scars in my heart that may probably never heal.
My parents are dead now, and I still do not have a good equation with my brother. On the other hand, favoritism is not good for the favored child as well. Those who grow up in a protective environment often find it difficult when they have to face the hardships of life. So try avoiding favoritism. It is difficult to change 'old' people all of a sudden.
To comment on this article, you must sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account. I've always questioned whether my dad is a bad parent or not, but this article has proved everything to me. My mom passed away when I was little, but even then, he was always very direct that I was just a kid, who knew nothing, and he was the adult, who knew everything.
Today he was yelling at me over a pillow being on the floor and me not noticing it and picking it up, and I decided to respond with the things he asked me to remind him to do. He walked back upstairs, even angrier this time, and said that I am just a "stupid kid" and that I should stop challenging him.
He also makes numerous threats to me almost everyday now saying that he'll slap my face if I keep talking or that he'll leave and never come back. Everyday I'm thankful though, that my situation isn't as horrific as others. So i had a those important exams coming up and i was studying six hours in a row and revised every single formula but when my mom came back from work she started yelling at me telling me I'm dumb and stupid and you don't know what you're studying cause you don't understand it and i really understood every lesson.
This happened many times, they compare me to my sister in university who has better grades and favorite her more whatever she asks they do it but when i ask for something they stall like i need a new shirt cause I don't have one and they give her allowance every day. They never listen they don't understand I've been struggling this whole year and none of them encouraged me to get better. My parent's never trust me with anything even though I always do what they ask me to, even if I'm a little slow Then, when I finally get a chance to ask them if I can have something or ask them to do something or help me with something, they just start cursing at me and hitting me.
My dad smokes and every time I ask my parents about something, he punches my face, and half the time, I start bleeding and get a swollen eye. My mom is such a hypocrite as well She tells me I'll never amount to anything in life, but she's the one who cant even get a job. Even my father complains that she doesn't have a job. Then, one day, my mom left home for a week. I didn't care what happened to her I wouldn't care if I died,. Thank you so much for your comprehensive article. This reflects the aspects that tortured more than 30 years.
I am still suffering from the aftermath of bad parenting. My mother still tells me to do something that she wants and the way she wants, which are usually based on her judgmental guess which is far from fact. Also, I get feedback from colleagues that I have low self-esteem. I know this is a serious problem when I have a job interview or work with others. I came to know this is based on the neglecting from parents, abusing, lowering self-esteem like "you are a useless one, you will not make a good one", and also my bad character in my child year which I learned from the bad example of parents, and weak financial basis during childhood.
Somehow people didn't like me and avoided me. I guess this is due to my poor appearance, my weird attitude that made it hard for me to get along with friends in college. From countless feedback, I came to overcome much of bad characters, habit, the attitude of mine which I had inherited from my parents, but I don't know how to overcome the major piece -- lack of self-esteem. Generally, I like myself more than I used to in ten or twenty years ago. Thank God I survived. Thank you for sharing this post so I get to know the problems lucidly now, which I just presumed or conjectured for so many years.
You are a very wise and smart young adult. Please seek help from a trusting adult like a teacher or principal immediately. Your parents will understand in time. You will have a long life on front of you to reach your potential and to enjoy, to help your siblings from now will in turn help you. I am concerned that your step-Dad is a danger to his children and your Mom, especially when it concerns sexual abuse, be it now or in time.
You will not get into trouble with anyone else for asking for help or turning to anybody. Your story is similar to my childhood.. Please listen to what I am about to say, and this goes for any young one going through these situations. Please hear me when I say that is not true!
That kind of abuse is proven to be far worse than that of physical. And your little siblings are watching this everyday unfold Having no self worth. Children need love and security! They need to feel safe and worthy of love! I know this now. Took me years and years. BoArcher, God knows exactly where you are. And I would suggest that you talk to someone, a counselor too, to get everything out so your not like I was and bottled everything up for so many years.
I've wanted to move out for so long, I'm only thirteen. My parents say that they don't have favorites, but I know they do, and they say they're ok with who I am, but they're always yelling at me, getting mad over little things, saying I'm not good enough. My sister acts like I'm so dumber than her. I have mental problems and PDHD, but I didn't tell my parents, and they just won't listen, I took the test, wasn't good,. When I make suggestions to the mother of children that a care for, she accuses me of 'digging'. I feel I can't make any suggestions about the children for far that I am digging, accusing, whatever the term 'dig' means My mom is constantly telling me that I'm lazy and disgusting and said to my face that I make her want to kill herself and me because I have trouble with my school.
I'm not even not doing it, but she screams at me because I am "not doing it fast enough. When I'm reading I read slowly because the words get all mixed up in my head and she'll start screaming at me or hitting me or taking things away. She also took away everything in my room except a few pairs of clothes, my bed, and a sheet. Everything else, and put it into trash bags. I'm also homeschooled so I can't get away from her. What do I do. Safe to say I've been struggling for awhile.. But when I ask them if they prefer my brother they deny it- even though they constantly imply and straight out say it when me and my brother are around.
I always feel like something is wrong with me. But, normally every week they try to make up with me and hug me and say that they love each of us equally. But after that they go back to preferring my brother over me and insulting me. This confuses me- do they love us equally or are they cruel parents who undermine me? That is why I always feel guilty if I say something bad about them - I need to know for sure if they love and care about me as much as my brother or if this attitude towards me is damaging and hurting me in the long term.
BoArcher, and all those who have commented, please tell another adult what you and your siblings are going through. It is not your fault. You and your siblings need protection. Your parents are making mistakes. They can change but it will take a long time and professional help. Get help for yourself and your innocent siblings. You are all children of a kind Heavenly Father and Mother. Pray to them and they will comfort you. You are in a desperate situation. It is not normal. Tell a doctor, nurse, or teacher. Please do not blame yourself.
You have a bright future. Get your siblings out of that situation. Your parents will be angry at you, but it is the right thing to do. Have faith in yourself. You reached out for help on this website. You have shown bravery and love for yourself and your family. Continue with your bravery and hope and get more help. You can also call the police for any hitting or neglect. I will pray for you. I wish I could come to your homes and help you, myself. I'm 19 years old. My mom can be my best friend sometimes, but other times she can be really mean.
And I don't like my step dad much at all.
Abuse and violence in relationships
He's always angry, he says mean things and swears all the time. He isn't responsible, especially with driving. He likes to speed and swerve because he thinks it's fun. My step dad was driving my boyfriend and me to a job interview that my boyfriend had, and he was going 60 down a curvy road while it was raining, and we ended up swerving off the road into so huge rocks to avoid a big truck he almost hit.
My boyfriend was fine, thank god, but I came out of it with a broken foot. He can't keep a job, and I don't think he should even allowed to be a parent. He had three kids with my mom, they're 7, 5, and 3 years old. He's always screaming at them when they do something he doesn't like, he always mocks them when they cry or whine. He has ADD or something like that, we're still not quite sure what it is yet, so he's always loud, he's hyper, he can be annoying.
But they don't seem to take that into account, they're always telling him to shut up, saying they want to beat him, telling him he's a little shit. My step dad makes my 5 year old brother accept that he's going to spank him and makes him stand there and take it when he does. They're always quick to yell at one of the kids without even knowing anything.
My 3 year old sister tries to get everyone into trouble and lies constantly, and it's gotten my brothers spank and yelled at several times for nothing. But if I try to complain about it, or about how they decide to "discipline" the kids, I get yelled at. They treat me like shit sometimes too. I always try to stay in my room so i don't have to deal with it, but whenever I leave my step dad always has to say something to upset me. And I either just have to stand there and take it, or risk saying something and then getting yelled at and threatened to be hit by my mom.
They're always making fun of my face, telling me I have resting bitch face. And they've said it so many times already I've lost count. You said it once, I got it already. I look like a cranky bitch. I already have problems with the way I look, with my weight, how I sound. That's just what I need, to be constantly reminded that I look like I'm a bitch. When I was younger, I was fatter then I am now. And I always had problems finding jeans, I was like in a weird in between size. I needed new pants so we went to Value Village, and I had tried on so many jeans, and my mom got so frustrated that we couldn't find any for me that she started saying that it's because I'm too fat and that I need to lose weight before she buys me pants because she's not doing this anymore.
Just today I decided to leave my room to find something to eat, and they were both in the kitchen. I caught my step dad staring at me, which I've always been really uncomfortable with having people stare at me, and I asked him "why are you staring at me? He said that he wasn't, and then said I needed to stop being so paranoid. And then he started mocking me in a demeaning voice going "Mommy, mommy, he's staring at me!
You need to stop being so sensitive". I decided to leave and just go to my room again. Then my mom came in and started yelling at me, saying I need to stop treating my step dad like shit. That I only said that because I have a problem with him. Which I do, but I would've asked anyone to stop. Not just because it was him. Then she started saying how he's nothing but kind to me and that maybe they should just treat me like shit for a week to see how I feel about him afterwards. He's hardly ever nice.
He's only nice once in a great while, as if to make up for all the shit he does. He constantly says awful things about me to my mom when he's upset with me, and she never does anything about it. But when I just ask him to stop making fun of me, she yells at me for it. I could hear my step dad after that complaining about how I do nothing every single day, I just sit in my room on my stupid laptop. Saying how worthless I am. You broke my foot. You want me to go jog outside in the snow for a while? I've also been having a really bad pain in my back that I had to go see the doctor for, so it's hard to get up and move around.
They really made me feel like shit today. I honestly felt like I wanted to die. What kind of life is worth living if you're constantly ridiculed and made fun of by your own parents? Aren't parents supposed to make you feel safe? Protect you from that sort of stuff? Aren't you supposed to be able to feel like you can talk to them about anything?
I don't think you're supposed to feel like you're trapped with your parents. Normal parent-child relationships should be happy right? Being able to feel comfortable to be out of your room and around your parents, not feeling disgusted being around your dad, not having to dread waking up the next day just to hear more yelling, not feeling stressed out every single day.
I'm pretty sure good dads don't walk into their daughters rooms on a hot summer night, when she's just wearing her underwear because it's too hot, and lifts up her blanket and then leaves. I was half asleep when he did that. Like, I could see him but I couldn't do anything.
I tried telling my mom once before that I was uncomfortable around him, and she just got really disappointed in me. I don't know what to do. I honestly feel so trapped and depressed. None of my friends live around me so I can't just leave. I don't have a car, or a job. I've been trying to get one, but it's winter. And no one wants to hire someone with a broken foot. I can't speak out against them, or tell them how I feel or they'r just gonna get mad at me again.
And I don't think things are bad enough to call child services or anything. Plus I'm 19, I don't think they'd do anything anyway. I have thought about it before, when my step dad was actually physically abusive to my siblings. My 7 yr old brother, who was younger then, would have night terrors. And he would wake up crying and screaming for my mom. My step dad went into his room and pushed his hand against his mouth and shoved him against the wall and kept telling him to shut up. When my mom was pregnant with that same brother 7 years ago she was always angry.
I know people get angry when they're pregnant, but she was awful. She got mad at my cat so she scruffed him and started smashing him against the wall. I yelled at her to stop and she came towards me and threw me down on my bed and started repeatedly smacking my face, telling me to shut up because I was screaming since I was scared and it hurt. Then she told me I better pray the police don't come to the door since I was screaming so loud. They aren't physically abusive anymore. But they come really close sometimes, and even my mom's threats are enough to scare me.
I don't think you should control your child with fear. She thinks I grew up to be a pretty good kid with her parenting. But I have anxiety, slight depression, I have no self confidence, I'm scared to try new things, I can get angry easily, I love to sing but I'm not able to sing in front of people if it's just me singing. She told me when I was little as a joke that I was tone deaf. Whenever we were required to do something in school, like give a class presentation, or do a small solo in choir, or do anything that would put the attention on you, I would go hide in the bathroom until it was over.
I hated being late to class, or walking into a crowded room, because I can't stand when people look at me. I get so self conscious, thinking that they're probably thinking awful things about me. Like thinking how fat I am, or how ugly I am. That maybe I smell gross, or maybe I walk funny.
My mom knows I'm self conscious, and she tells me it's stupid and that I should get over it. Move on with your life and make the best of your future. It hurts to see him have to go through what you already have been. My son is working on getting full custody and I am there every day by his side now and in the future. If you have a grandparent or other relative you can confide in, it would help to have some kind of support. Blessings to you and keep safe. See as a kid I had two siblings.
Me and my sister were the oldest and we'd talk about the favouritism from my mother he'd get. We both remember when we were she had asked for a game for 4 years and I asked for a toy for 9 months and my brother who didn't know what they were got them in one shopping trip.
They also did more for him then us. We both went to clubs and he got all the praise for the one club he went too. It hurt because we couldn't trust our mother to not tell our brother who'd tell our friends which had happened before. I think its hard with favouritism because you feel unloved and unwanted because off the treatment from the other child.
I am a mother to a wonderful 5 year old boy and work hard at being the best mother I can be. He is a well rounded little boy who will always be my priority. I will always monitor and improve my parenting. I know that I need to learn how to be a good parent.
Related Ive Always Known-Revision (Child Abuse)
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